Real Recipes for Human Beings: Beef and Broccoli Stir Fry

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November 5, 2013 by briantshock

It happens every time without fail; I look up a new recipe to follow from the internet or a cookbook and I end up having an anxiety attack trying to follow all the directions in a time frame that is conducive to producing a dish that is not completely ruined. The steps provided usually do not give fair enough warning of how long something will take, or what you could safely do while another step is in progress. So because of that, I thought I’d share with you some of my recipes so simple even an idiot can follow them (because he does regularly). This time around: Beef and Broccoli Stir Fry.

STUFF YOU’LL NEED

3 tablespoons cornstarch, divided (You can get a tub of this stuff for pretty cheap and it’ll last a long time. I’m not really sure what else you use this for.)

1/2 cup water, plus
2 tablespoons water, divided (You need water. I hope you have a sink or garden hose.)

1/2 teaspoon garlic powder (Find this in the spice section.)

1 lb boneless round steak or 1 lb charcoal chuck steak, cut into thin 3-inch strips (This is too complicated. Screw this. Most stores will sell beef chopped up into cubes or strips already. Get that and you’re in business, jack!)

2 tablespoons vegetable oil, divided (Or olive oil, whatever.)

4 cups broccoli florets (What’s a floret anyway? I don’t bother measuring this out. I’ve found that a 12 oz bag of broccoli found in the freezer section is a good amount.)

1 small onion, cut into wedges (I slice a regular size onion in half and cut it like a pie. This part really doesn’t matter, just don’t put the whole onion in there, basically.)

1/3 cup reduced sodium soy sauce (This crap is salty so I go a little light on this. I’ve got blood pressure problems here!)

2 tablespoons brown sugar (It’s brown sugar. Look in the baking section.)

1 teaspoon ground ginger (More spice.)

hot cooked rice (Most of the rice you buy is neither hot nor cooked, so you’re going to have to take care of this yourself. I use minute rice; I spare no expense.)

STEP 1 (OPTIONAL) – DRINK ONE OR TWO BEERS

While this step is optional, I find it helps me with the entire process.

STEP 2 – BE PREPARED

Like Scar from the Lion King plotting to kill his brother, you’re going to want to be prepared. Get all your ingredients out. Cut up that onion now!

STEP 3 – COMBINE STUFF
In a bowl, combine 2 tablespoons cornstarch, 2 tablespoons water and garlic powder until smooth. Just put all this in a medium-sized mixing bowl and go nuts. It doesn’t produce much but you won’t need a lot. Put the beef in here when you’re done and mix it up with your hands.

STEP 4 – WHERE’S THE BEEF? IN THAT PAN, BEING COOKED OF COURSE

Measure out one tablespoon of oil in a skillet and start it up on medium-high heat. After a minute or so it should be hot enough to start cooking the beef. Pour out the beef into the skillet and push it around with a spatula so it’s all mostly flat in the pan. Ideally you don’t want beef piling up or spilling out of the pan. That’s ridiculous!

This should take about 5 or 6 minutes, so this is a good time to plan out what you’ll need for the rice. Measure out what you’ll need and get your pot of water ready, but don’t start it yet! Don’t worry, I’ll tell you when, just relax!

STEP 5 – WAIT, DON’T TAKE IT OFF YET!

STOP! Right before you’re about to remove the beef from the pan, turn on the heat on that other burner to start the water for the rice. The minute rice I use needs about five minutes, so you’ll need to get that water boiling soon.

STEP 6 – GET THAT BEEF OUTTA HERE, IT’S TIME FOR VEGETABLES SON

Remove the beef from the pan, it’s done for now. I just put it back in the mixing bowl with the mixture you tossed it with initially. Why dirty up another bowl? So do that, and set it aside. Now add another tablespoon of oil to the hot pan and add in the broccoli and onion wedges.  Set that timer for 5 minutes!

STEP 7 – COMBINE MORE STUFF

Okay listen up. You’ve got about 5 minutes to take care of a couple of tasks.

7a. You’ll need to combine and mix the soy sauce, brown sugar, ginger and remaining cornstarch and water in another bowl until it’s smooth.

7b. The water for the rice is probably going to reach a boil in this time. Add in the measured rice and stir it up with a fork, and remove that mess from the heat and cover.

STEP 8 – TIME’S UP, BRING IT TOGETHER

DING DING DING! Five minutes are up! I hope you finished those two tasks! After the vegetables have been cooked for five minutes, add the beef back in and the mixture from step 7a.  Set the timer for another two minutes, and stir up the beef and broccoli mixture every so often.

PRO-TIP: I like to add some crushed red pepper flakes at this point for a little kick!

STEP 9 – YOU DONE DAWG, TIME TO EAT

That’s it! Everything should be finishing up and ready to go around the same time. Spoon out some rice and some stir fry and you’re ready to go!

(This recipe was based off of “The Best Easy Beef and Broccoli Stir Fry” on food.com.)

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