Real Recipes for Human Beings: Scrambled Eggs

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November 10, 2013 by briantshock

It happens every time without fail; I look up a new recipe to follow from the internet or a cookbook and I end up having an anxiety attack trying to follow all the directions in a time frame that is conducive to producing a dish that is not completely ruined. The steps provided usually do not give fair enough warning of how long something will take, or what you could safely do while another step is in progress. So because of that, I thought I’d share with you some of my recipes so simple even an idiot can follow them (because he does regularly). This time around: Scrambled Eggs.

I thought I’d toss an easy one your way for this lazy Sunday. Everybody likes breakfast, and if you don’t, there’s probably something wrong with you. Listen, I love eggs. Eggs are a staple of the breakfast lineup, yet for years I kept messing them up! Finally, I think I’ve figured out how to prepare them without completely ruining them. So yeah, I know this is pretty basic, but that’s what makes this a Real Recipe for Human Beings.

STUFF YOU’LL NEED

Eggs (This should be obvious. 2 or 3 eggs per person is a fine amount.)

Milk (For creaminess.)

Salt and Pepper (I have nothing clever to say.)

Dill weed (People of my generation probably think of this first as a Beavis and Butthead insult, but this is also a spice.)

Butter (You only need a little to melt in the pan.)

Cheese, shredded (You can use whatever cheese you want, I don’t care. I like cheddar and/or monterey jack.)

CHE-EE-EE-EESE! I've lost motor control!

CHE-EE-EE-EESE! I’ve lost motor control!

That’s it, let’s make some eggs!

STEP 1 (OPTIONAL) – DRINK ONE OR TWO MIMOSAS OR BLOODY MARYS

While this step is optional, I find it helps me with the entire process.

STEP 2 – MIX UP THEM EGGS

In a mixing bowl, obviously, crack and empty the eggs. Then, with a whisk, stir up up until the yolks are broken up and it’s a nice, consistent orange texture. If you are seeing a color other than orange or yellow you probably have a problem with your eggs and should consider a different breakfast.

STEP 3 – MILK

Here’s where you should stir in the milk. If you like really creamy eggs, then pour in enough so that the mixture is mostly white. Normally about half a cup should be adequate. I never measure it out so I’m just estimating here.

STEP 4 – HEAT UP THAT PAN WITH SOME BUTTAH

Now your egg mixture is complete, so we can get to cooking it. Put a medium-sized pan on medium heat on the medium grill and melt a little bit of butter in it. Not too much though, you really just want enough to have a thin coating over most of the surface. Let it heat up for about a minute.

STEP 5 – POUR THOSE EGGS IN THERE 

After it’s had some time to heat up, pour your eggs into the pan. Give it about 15-30 seconds or so and get your composure; there’s going to be a lot of activity coming in.

STEP 6 – MIX IN YOUR OTHER JUNK

We’re going to need to start stirring soon, but before we do that, add in the shredded cheese. How much cheese you want is up to you, obviously, but I like to overdo it here. Once you’re satisfied, start stirring up the mixture with a fork or spatula.  You have to be careful if you’re using a fork though, you don’t want to burn your hands on the side. YEEOOUUWWCCH!!!

STEP 7 – KEEP STIRRING AND ADDING

You’re going to want to take an active role in stirring up these eggs. They are going to want to stick to the pan and burn pretty fast, and you, a responsible breakfasteer, should not let that happen.  But while you are stirring, sprinkle in some of the salt, pepper, and dill weed. You don’t need a whole lot, and I barely use much salt (again, my blood pressure problem), but you’ll want a bit to taste.

STEP 8 – LOOK FOR BROWN

It’s not going to take much time to cook these eggs. Once you notice some of the eggs turning a brownish color while you are stirring or notice a lot getting stuck to the pan, it’s probably time to start thinking about bringing these eggs up, especially if you want them creamy. If not, you can wait a little while longer, but you’re just playing fast and loose with eggs at this point.

STEP 9 – THAT’S IT, THIS REALLY ISN’T THAT HARD

After only a few minutes in the pan you should be done! Add some bacon and some other items and you’ve got yourself a nice breakfast.  Here’s a bonus tip: if you are making bacon in another pan, start cooking that around when you start heating up the pan for the eggs. They should finish up around the same time.

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