Aladdin

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November 12, 2013 by briantshock

Aladdin is the best Disney animated movie. This is a fact. You might be screaming, “No, that’s Lion King!” but you’d be wrong. That’s a good guess though – that’s number 2. This movie was always one of my childhood favorites, and I still enjoy watching it every now and then on a lazy day.  And so, keeping once again with the theme of topical relevancy, it’s time for another argumentative piece on media that’s legally old enough to drink.

FACT # 1 – ALADDIN DIDN’T TAKE ANY OF YOUR CRAP

I’m not sure why Aladdin never stole any new clothes at any point. I guess maybe his rags were more conducive to all the stealing he did. There is honor among thieves, they say, so it’s okay to set up an intricate system of lies backed by mystical wish power to win a princess’s heart, but you better keep your thieving limited to bread.

That’s not to say he didn’t make up for it with his prince clothes. I mean, look at this stylish riff raff.

Genuflect son, show some RESPECT

Genuflect son, show some RESPECT.

Aladdin royally screwed up his chances with Jasmine and needed a great romantic carpet ride to make up for it. Did Aladdin let physics or reason stop him? No! He duped that girl onto his magic carpet and hauled ass to the Orient and back all in the span of one night. He wasn’t having any of that crap getting in the way of his evening.

Was Aladdin ready to throw in the towel when he and his monkey – wait, hold on.

FACT # 1B – THE MAIN CHARACTER HAS A PET MONKEY WEARING A FEZ

Okay, sorry. Was Aladdin ready to throw in the towel when he and his monkey were cast away to a snowy expanse? No! He got up and started walking. This street rat had work to do. He didn’t even take time to wonder what this cold white stuff on the ground was. I really doubt he had any reason to know what snow was.

Plus, you cannot tell me that you’ve never tried – in the privacy of your own home, surely – rolling an apple down your arm, knocking it up with your elbow, and catching it in your other hand.

FACT # 2 – GENIE WAS AWESOME

I say “was” because thinking back it was probably very annoying to have Genie around all the time. “Genie, I’m just trying to eat this Arby’s Roast Beef. Please stop transforming me into animals!” But despite that, there was no denying his usefulness and the humor he brought to the movie. Plus he was voiced by Robin Williams! Until he wasn’t, but then he was voiced by Homer Simpson, which is still really good!

FACT # 3 – THE TV/STRAIGHT TO VIDEO FOLLOWUPS WEREN’T COMPLETE GARBAGE

Disney has a history of producing some pretty bad straight-to-video sequels. Even the most stalwart Lion King fan will recoil at the mention of “Lion King 1.5”. Not in this case. “Return of Jafar” was solid, and “King of Thieves” wasn’t that bad, and wrapped up the series nicely. I could never remember when the TV series was on, but I do remember liking it when I managed to catch it. The show brought many decent original adventures for the scoundrel and his friends. Many more, actually; there were 86 episodes produced! Plus, George Costanza was one of the main villains.

Truly there has never been a more devious foe.

Truly there has never been a more devious foe.

As far as Disney TV spin-offs went, it certainly was above average. I mean, does anybody remember “Pocahontas Time Rangers”? That’s because I just made it up. But now that I think about it, that sounds awesome. There’s a free one for you, Disney.

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