Mayor Mike Haggar


November 14, 2013 by briantshock

Debating politics is often a pointless endeavor, leaving everybody angry and unsatisfied in the process, so you won’t see me making a lot of those comments here. However, I would be doing the public office a disservice if I did not mention its greatest champion. I am referring to none other than the mayor of Metro City (the worst city in the country), former Mayor Mike Haggar.


With the body and strength of Hercules and the glorious mustache of Ron Swanson, Mayor Mike Haggar is truly an intimidating man, clocking in 6’7″ and 266 pounds of pure power. He began his career at a pro wrestler on the Saturday Night Slam Masters circuit, so Haggar is no stranger with overcoming challenges, often taking on one to three at a time. Whether you face this guy in the ring or across the town hall podium, you can expect to be on the business end of one of his terrifying signature moves.

What signature moves, you may ask? Well how about the SPINNING PILEDRIVER, where Mike will grab you and jump into the air, spinning and slamming your skull in the pavement. You might think the spinning is unnecessary, but this is just to further drive home the fact that you are screwed!

Maybe you think you’ll be okay if you get all of your scumbag buddies and gang up on this guy at once. Wrong again, buddy boy! Mr. Haggar has just a move for this occasion, the DOUBLE LARIAT, where he holds out his arms and spins around, continuing the whole spinning theme but also continuing the theme of bringing PAIN and ANGUISH to your pathetic frame.

Mike Haggar is best known for his rampage through Metro City, a city that he was, at the time, the mayor of. The Mad Gear gang had kidnapped his daughter Jessica, and called him up to gloat about it. Naturally, Haggar did the only reasonable thing; he called up his daughter’s street tough boyfriend and some ninja, and took to the streets, beating the shit out of the hundreds of thugs, slum lords, crooked cops, violent psychopaths, cross-dressers, and old gangster business men in wheelchairs who are foolish enough to oppose him. He didn’t bother calling up the police or any lawyers; his amazing wrestling techniques and lead pipe were all the due process he needed.

This thug probably stole this car, making this action completely justified.

This thug probably stole this car, making this action completely justified.

The Mad Gear gang had the gall to challenge Mike Haggar’s authority a couple more times after this, but don’t worry; they were violently dealt with. What I really can’t understand is how this guy didn’t get re-elected forever or continue on to become governor or president. Clearly he has proven he has the guts and drive to clean up the streets. It may have something to do with everybody in his city being a criminal, so his efforts may have crippled his constituency, both figuratively and literally. In any case, we salute you, Mike Haggar. You’re one of the good ones.

(Yes, I actually looked up “facts” for some of this but an alarming amount came from memory. Everything else came from here: I am very sorry. It’s been a weird day.)


One thought on “Mayor Mike Haggar

  1. […] Nobody cares about Mike Haggar. […]

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